Keep pushing on!

Well yesterday I woke up feeling quite positive, I got to the hospital in plenty of time, even managed to budge up the queue after my favorite nurse pulled me straight in rather than queuing, I suppose that’s what happens when you are there 12 days in a row! I then got home, went for a walk with the girls and the babies and I felt good. As the day went on, I found myself getting lower and lower, I sat watching TV and eating. When the call didn’t come from the hospital I continued to get lower until I took myself off to bed and a massive huff. This morning I woke up still feeling a little down, I knew that going to the hospital this morning for the 13th day (day 20 in my cycle) was just a formality, unless there is a massive surge today and they decide to do the transfer early the process will be abandoned. I picked up my number for the bloods, number 13 quite apt really, had my bloods (only upside was no fainting!) and we then say patiently for the nurse to call us through. I have to say this nurse was absolutely no use whatsoever, she explained that they would have really expected a surge end of last week and that they don’t normally test past day 21 but given day 20 (today) and day 21 would mean transfer at the weekend it didn’t look good but rather than say ‘don’t come tomorrow’ she left it up to me to decide if I wanted to go in tomorrow. I was a little confused, surely it’s not my decision, it’s the hospitals decision about what I should do?! They set the plans, they have the rules so why was it being pushed back onto me?! In the end we agreed that if we didn’t hear anything today then I would not be going in tomorrow and that I would ring to restart again next month, we also made an appointment to see a consultant in September.

I got back in the car and just wanted to cry, who doesn’t ovulate, what is wrong with me?! All we want is my body to do one thing, ovulate. When we did the medicated cycle the levels needed went too high and now the natural cycle it’s just too low. With the endo, the cysts, the broken leg, the failed cycles, the abandoned cycles and now my body not ovulating I feel like everything is constantly against us. There’s so many horrible people out there who can have baby after baby, that have them taken into care and then just pop out another one whilst here we are trying and failing at every single hurdle. I know I’m supposed to feel positive, we haven’t actually used an egg but I can’t help but feel low about the fact that we can’t even get to that stage. My partner says it will happen I just need to keep pushing on but I just can’t help feeling that the light at the end of the tunnel is just going further and further away. Who knows what’s going to happen, as he says we’ll just have to keep pushing on.

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Ivf fet – the waiting game

Well the waiting game is long, still no sign of my LH levels increasing. The last few days at the hospital have gone well, still no fainting which is good! I’m actually writing this whilst sat in the waiting room on day 9 at the hospital which is day 17 in my cycle. Im hoping to see a nurse after my bloods today to see what happens next with it being close to a weekend. Despite everything i am actually feeling a little bit more positive despite playing the waiting game!

The other day i was talking to a lady at work who i know has had quite a lot of personal problems recently. We got talking about the blood tests im having, she assumed it was part of my endo and i agreed and we left it there. For some reason despite lying to people about the ivf for ages, i felt bad that i had just blatantly lied to her. In the end i went back to her and told her about the ivf, she was so excited for us. Her reaction actually made me feel a little more positive. I think id become quite sceptical about everything. The lady is so positive it’s difficult not to let some of that rub off on you. Yesterday i saw a gift bag that had been slipped into my handbag, i opened it up and almost cried, she’d bought me a lovely set of fertility stones to help me. I have to admit ive never considered anything like this but i thought the gift was so lovely and thoughtful. Although my boss knows about the ivf and is incredibly supportive, the rest of the business dont know and being an open plan office everyone sees what they want to see so i know she’ll have my back. Just back from my bloods, despite the positiveness of my favourite bloods nurse fiona (who’s absolutely lovely by the way!) it took 2 attempts today to get blood, my levels dropped yesterday a little and still no surge. Saw the nurse, based on the fact that they dont thaw out any embryos at the weekend and our eggs being day 5 embryos i need to surge by sunday or after tuesday! No pressure then!! Lets hope these stones help things along a little.

The waiting game goes on …….

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Natural cycle IVF update

Well day 4 and 5 going to the hospital (day 11 and 12 in my cycle) went a little easier, only 2 attempts needed to get blood out and still no fainting! We were chatting to one of the nurses who recognised us from the various trips we’ve made on previous cycles, she was trying to positive about our situation and said most people who were there last year were now pregnant so there’s always hope. I took that both ways, great the system works and that others have got pregnant, fantastic for them but here we are still going through the cycle, still having to have blood tests and still not pregnant. I suppose that’s the selfish side of me there thinking why couldn’t we be the ones who got pregnant and another couple be the ones who were sat there being told that! That’s awful of me I know!!

We had my goddaughters first birthday party on Sunday, whilst my friends know some of what’s happening they don’t know all of it. I’ve reached the age where almost all my friends have babies/children and I know some where not planned but others went through years of trying before it happened. They have their happy little family and whilst I absolutely adore them and their babies I don’t want to talk to them about our issues, it’s not that I can’t talk to them, I don’t want them to feel bad for actually having something we want but also I don’t want to ever come across as jealous or even a little bit bitter that they have the happy family we want, that’s the last thing I’d ever want. I actually heard of people being like this as they got a bit older and I never thought that would happen to me but the older I get and the more we go through, I suppose the more you want something the more it becomes difficult when someone (no matter how much you love them) has what you want. Until it happens I know I have to think that my friends children are like my own so theres no need to be jealous or even a little bit bitter.

Day 6 (day 13 in my cycle) this morning was a little harder, 4 attempted to get blood from me today but still no fainting so I’m super proud of myself even if my arms are hurting! I know I have rubbish veins which collapse at the drop of a hat, I know it’s not the nurses fault and they are doing all they can but that doesn’t stop me from just wanting to scream just get it over with. There’s been a slight increase in my LH levels but no spike yet, we are really hoping to see the spike by Wednesday or Thursday at the very latest, after this we know it will be over the weekend and they don’t thaw frozen embryos at weekend so it will be another abandoned cycle, but we’re at the moment staying positive so watch this space.

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IVF natural FET cycle

It’s been sometime since I last posted a blog, I’ve thought about it a few times but never managed to find the time to type my thoughts out until today!

After the medicated FET fell through last time the hospital decided it would be best to try a natural FET cycle. All is good apart from the 40 miles round trip to the hospital every morning, oh and a small matter of my fear of needles! Day 1 and 2 went too well, I arrived with enough time, 1 try in and no fainting, result. This morning was a little more difficult, traffic was worse so felt rushed trying to get there before the 8:30am deadline, my number in the queue was 13 (never a good sign!) and my veins just collapsed meaning we needed 2 attempts to get the blood needed, a slight panic attack but I was soon walking out. I suppose that’s 3 days down, only another 9/10 to go!! To say I’m sceptical about this cycle would be an understatement. Since starting IVF we’ve had one failed attempt, 2 times being told that the hospital was full that month, 2 months when the transfer would have fallen when we were on holiday, I broke my leg which put us back 6 months and a medicated cycle abandoned so you can understand that I’m not over confident that conceiving a baby is ever going to happen. Whilst we want it to happen so much, we haven’t told family that we are going through IVF to avoid the extra pressure as both Mum’s long for a grandchild. By not telling family and living on the same street as my Mum, as you can imagine it’s very difficult to explain why I have left for work an hour and half earlier than needed for a 10 minute journey to the office. It’s difficult because you have the stress of going through the process, pressure to keep things to yourself but at the same time pressure to still continue your life as though nothing is happening. We decided that we would still book certain things like holidays etc which had backed fired on us twice as the possible transfer would have been when we were away which was both bad timing and quite upsetting. I’m quite a laid back person but I find the IVF process to be really quite stressful. I worry a lot about it. I worry about the needles, I worry about keep going through the process and it never happening, I worry about family / colleagues finding out and I actually worry how I am going to cope if it actually was to happen and we got pregnant, which I know sounds stupid! I’ve never been one to worry so I find I stress at myself for worrying, again I know that sounds stupid. I know I am one of thousands of women/couples who are going through IVF every single day and there are lots of people going through the same process so really I just need to man up and get on with it. We’re both going to the appointment tomorrow morning so at least I’m not on my own, let’s see what day 4 brings.

 

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Prostap – arghhhhh!!!!!

Its been a while since i last posted, i actually thought things were getting better until the ivf clinic rang to confirm they wanted me to go on prostap for 3 months. No problem i thought, i did zoladex for 6 its the same sort of thing, i can cope with the hot flusges etc. So far this week ive been in bed by 10pm most nights, (normally its well gone 12!), been absolutely knackered, felt like im gonna rip someones head off and thrown the contents of the stationary cupboard at work all over the floor cause ppl had left it untidy!! The difference in my behaviour right now is quite scary!! All i know is i wouldnt mess with me as right now as i could easy rip ur head off, cry or just fall asleep stood up im that knackered, im not sure which way ill go!! Im only bloody 12 days into this prostap, god knows what im gonna be like in 3 months!!! Bring it on thats all i say!!! x

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Work, life and endo balance

Balance – to bring to or hold in equilibrium. Balance is a funny old thing, how exactly do you get balance?! I thought i was doing ok. I love my job, i love playing netball, going to the gym, seeing my friends and it was all going great until i had my last operation. The operation which was supposed to help the pain, all good i thought. WRONG! Actually don’t get me wrong, i know what the operation did do was remove tissue and cysts so i know this will help but the day to day aspect of having endo is still there. Everyday the waking up with aching, pains, feeling sick, bloating is all just part and part of this lovely disease. These symptoms some or all are the daily battle. I thought I had these symptoms in hand, every day i got up, take a few tablets get on with life this was work and life taking over and it was great, but since the last op this has become more difficult. I had a routine and it was easier but now, now that’s gone. Now the endo is taking over, i’m struggling to get up in the mornings, the waves of pain and sickness each morning is getting harder to get over. It’s starting to affect my work, my sport and more importantly my relationship specifically my lack of sex drive and therefore the lack of trying for the one thing we want more than anything, a baby.

I read on forums about people who have let the endo take over and they were struggling, I kept thinking there was something wrong, everyone has been telling me for months everytime they see my file, wow you must be in a lot of pain, it must be really affecting you but it wasn’t and i was coping. Now, now i see it, now i know how it gets hold of you, starts to affect you every day and eventually starts taking over. How exactly do you make it change, how do you take control back, how do get your life back? i’d like to tell you i’ve worked it out, that i know the answer but as i type right now, I’ve spent the majority of the last 36 hours led on the sofa with a hot water bottle, talking pain killers feeling sorry for myself, i’ve had the day off work and just eaten a load of crappy food for tea. I’d love to tell you this is making me feel better but actually it’s made me feel worse and i’m wondering what the lowest point will be before I can pull this back, tilt them scales and get my life back. Having endo is a journey, a journey i was controlling, i was going where i wanted, now i feel i’m going somewhere i don’t want to go. i’m still on the wrong journey but i’m hoping i’ll find the strength and energy to flip this round and get the balance back soon, so watch this space ….


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me v endometriosis

So I’m led in bed thinking I really should be asleep but I’m wide awake after reading quite an interesting and quite honest blog and its really made me think about putting my own thoughts and feelings down in writing. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a writer by any stretch of anyone’s imagination in fact most of this will be grammatically wrong but sometimes that doesn’t matter, I’ll also probably waffle on as I tend to do that!

As mentioned I’m led in bed thinking I really shoud be asleep, I’m back at work tomorrow after just over 2 weeks off after another laparoscopy. 2nd gynae laparoscopy in 16 months, 3rd op if you include having an unscheduled operation to remove my appendix in April. This times op was to remove more tissue they couldn’t get to last time, simple in theory but my body doesn’t do simple, so add in the removal of 2 cysts one on each ovary plus them finding part of my back passage was actually wedged under my womb then some unexpected bleeding, it turned into something a lot more than simple. Dont get me wrong I’m getting used to the whole things are not simple thing now, I say this after being put antibiotics today for an infection in my belly button from my stitches! I know I’m not the only person things are not simple for, there’s millions of women with endometriosis, millions coping with the pain and discomfort associated with this condition but knowing this should maker it comforting but instead its actually more lonely. The way I see it there is always someone who’s in a worse position, in more pain, having more issues, going through a tougher time so I should really be grateful for what I’ve got. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful, I have a loving boyfriend who although right now I could quite easily smother him with a pillow to drown out his snoring he’s been there by my side through it all and to be fair to him he’s had to deal with a lot the last few years. I’m grateful I have a good job and an understanding boss, I have fantastic family and friends who have helped but I’m wondering when the point will come when they’re sick of hearing the same old story, another op, more doctor and hospital appointments, more scans etc etc etc. God knows I’m sick of it so I must be like a broken old record! Its this aspect of things that’s the start of the loneliness of this rubbish disease, the fact that you have pains, bloating, aching and moodiness for the majority of each month and it doesn’t get any better or go away, its always there in the background whilst you try to live a normal life, put on a brave face when most of the time you just want to stay in bed and not face the world. It would actually be easier if endometriosis gave you symptoms like a rash, spots etc as this would make it easier to show everyone how often it affects everyday life, the fact that the symptoms are inside and you can’t actually show people makes it more difficult for some people to understand. The other aspect of loneliness comes in dealing with the other crappy aspect of this disease, infertility. I’m not actually totally infertile, I have a less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally, so some slight cat in hells chance is what they’re saying. Great but you know being pregnant is actually amazing for helping endometriosis don’t you know, great if you can! If you add in that the bf has a low sperm count too, that cat in hell has turned into the chance of seeing flying purple pigs!! I know others can’t conceive I’m not stupid but its not easy to deal with. I’ve always been one where I love my independence, career, sport so I’ve always told people I’m not bothered about marriage and kids but that’d been something I’ve done to keep people off my back the older I’ve got, as soon as you’ve been in a relationship for longer than a few years and start the decent towards 30 its expected you’ll have kids, get married but I’m not good with this pressure so I’ve basically created this I’m not bothered persona to stop the questions, pressure, especially when close friends have done both but deep down its something I’ve wanted at the right time. That time came about 2.5 years ago when I came off the pill. At first it scared me but as each month passed it was less about it happening and more about being scared if it would actually happen especially as each month I got more pains. After various water infections, scans, blood tests and my first lap that severe stage 4 endometriosis was diagnosed. It was like a kick in the stomach, I was put on zoladex injections and hrt for 6 months, I lasted 5 months after putting on a stone in weight, feeling sick everyday, hot sweats and generally being the biggest moody bitch ever, I just couldn’t cope. After things didn’t really get any better month my month, after more tests, colonoscopy etc my consultant decided it was time for another operation and referral for ivf, which takes us to this very moment. A whole 896 words to gety to this moment when I’m still sat wide awake thinking, probably over thinking things, mulling over everything I’m feeling. Feeling actual pain from the infection, a sense I’m letting my bf down as each month passes when things don’t happen but at same time feeling low myself as not only am I aching and in pain in general, its not happened to me when i want it to whilst still putting on my I’m not bothered persona to keep pressure off and putting on the brave face to hide the broken record. That’s when it doesn’t matter what you’ve got around you, you can have the greatest support needed you still feel lonely, you still want to cry and that’d the worst part of this horrible disease. People with endometriosis develop what my boss says a Chinese smile, as she says they could be stabbing you in the back but they will still smile at you, whilst you go through the daily pains, anguish and low points you put on a smile because you and only you fully understand what you are feeling.

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